I don't know why I fell for her. She stomped on my heart and had total disregard for my feelings.

It hurts to think that someone that tells you that you are the one, that they tell you that they want to be with you and only you, would treat you with such disrespect as she did.

I feel like such a fool for letting her back in my life.
I won't let her back in again. She is done. Dead in my head.

I tried. I tried to make things work. In the end, she didn't want to be with me. She wanted the fantasy of me. That's all they ever want. They are scared to have me for real.

This hurts more than the others. She won't talk to me, she won't email me. She just let our friendship dissolve. I honestly thought it meant more to her than that.

Fuck her and everything she told me.

Goodbye Chas.

So Sat. night I am suppose to go out with a girl I have been working on re-building our friendship/relationship. We were together in the past, broke up because she moved away, but she is back and we are trying to re-build what we had.

Anyway, we were suppose to get together around 9 Sat. night. We talked all week about hanging out, having a good time. 8pm she calls and tells me she forgot she made plans with her gay friend Brian. I was pissed. I expressed my displeasure about the situation. She hangs up and calls me back 10 min. later saying ok...you can come along as long as you don't mind gay clubs, that this other guy planned a trip out for her. I told her Bullshit again and said have a good time. I didn't plan a night out for her? It felt like my feelings were expendable and didn't matter to her.

Am I blowing things out of proportion, or am I right in being totally pissed at her? We have talked about being together again, but everytime we talk about hanging out, she finds some excuse not to. It really bothers me, as I do love this person, but her actions don't seem to follow her words.

So...hello lj. Sorry I have ignored you. I got caught up in the "myspace" crowd. I know...I'm sorry. I found out that myspace isn't as cool as lj. So I am back. I hope you welcome me back. I've missed you and look forward to catching up with you.

Ok...my life since April. It's been a rollercoaster ride I tell ya.

So being the philanthropist I am, I took in a girl. Crys is a friend of mine that I have known for over a year. We would hang out whenever we both had time. We were not bf/gf, but we enjoyed each other's company. Well, back in March we had a fight because she wanted more than what we had. She wanted a relationship. I didn't. That sent her into major depression and the rejection threw her into a whirlwind of events that was catastrophic to her. She resorted to drugs, doing coke and hanging out with the wrong people. She missed a few days of work and got fired. Because she didn't have money for rent, her roomate kicked her out. She ended up staying with this guy in ElCajon that her friend put her up with. Turned out this guy was an ex convict. She was getting high with him, and then her car finially broke down. She had no money, no place to live, her car broke and she was doing drugs. Come to find out that this guy was threatening her life as well.
Anyway, I get a call one night at 2am. It was Crys, crying, asking me for help. She is living on the streets since the guy kicked her out. At first I didn't want to get involved, but I couldn't leave her in the position she was...she called me for help.
I picked her up from El Cajon around 3am that morning. She was spun out and was very suicidal. She looked horrible and was crying. I told her she can stay with me until she can get her life back together. She stayed for 3 months living with me, in the same room. It was hell but it was a good experience.

I told her that living with me doesn't mean we are together, but I am helping out a friend. She understood, but she didn't like that. She wanted me to be her knight in shining armor, which I was to a point. Anyway, started right away looking for a job for her. It was 2 weeks before she found a job. This was good. She had a job, which meant that she wasn't home thinking about how messed up her life is and she was making money. So basically I was supporting her for the first month and a half. It wasn't too difficult, just had to cut down on the excess spending.

At first she was sleeping on my couch, but as the time went on, I let her sleep in my bed with me. There were a few times when things happened, but for the most part we were good. We had our fights. She was resorting to drinking when she was depressed, and I told her that she needed to stop that while she was with me. Then shit hit the fan around the beginning of the 3rd month when she started developing those feelings towards me again. I couldn't handle it, and basically told her to find her own place soon. I knew that was impossible since she only had $800 from her job saved up, but it was starting to wear on me. The next day I told her I do want her to find her own place so she could get her life back, but if it took 6 months she could stay with me.

Then one day after I picked her up after work, she told me she was moving back home to Iowa. She hated that decision, but she said that it would be the best thing for her. I agreed and told her that once she gets back on solid ground she can move back out to California.

Crys moved back home at the end of June. We still communicate everyday. It was a tough situation to go through, but I learned a lot about myself being in a situation like that. I would still do it over again. It was something, even though it was tough, that I do feel good about. I could have left her on the streets to deal with her problem herself. I think of that and I know that she would have been dead in a gutter if I did.

In the middle of all this is when I stopped seeing Michelle and Chas started to come back into my life.

Anyway...that's it for now. 3 day weekend coming up, Tues. work, then Wed-Mon off for the Nationals at Glen Helen. Should be fun! I need the vacation.

my mind races...races with thoughts...thoughts of things slipping away.
I can't control my actions, I can't control my thoughts...
it drives me to say things I don't want to say

I try to no avail to suppress the thoughts,
but they come out to stir the craziness.

yet this is all familiar to me, nothing new.
A sort of deja vu as the feelings have been felt before...

Anger, pain, depression, guilt, lonliness, fear, rejection
I feel all at the same time. It's the weight of the world on my shoulders...
pushing me down, forcing me sucome to the pressure, giving up

I go through my day acting out for everyone
making sure they don't catch on, yet...
I want them to know just a little bit how I feel...
People don't want to get involved, but tend to give you attention

The attention is not what I crave. I crave happiness, happiness that will elude me till I die.
My life is my life, but I live happiness through other people. For this I'm sorry.

It's deja vu, deja vu in my head...You try to get rid, you try to forget...
the day you think it is gone, it enthraws you in the worst feelings you have felt..
till one day that feeling becomes everyday life and blends into your persona...
You have become deja vu.

http://weedondesigns.com/lbgp/images2/index.htm

I finally got around to working on my photos from the LBGP. I know some are a repeat of what I have posted on here, but there are a group of new shots. Check them out. I have another set to get through this weekend.

While we are on a break from CCWS, thought this would tide everyone over and relive what a great weekend the LBGP was.

So yesterday's drama filled day has gone and past. Why do I end up in these type of relationships? Do I search out these crazy people? Anyway here is an overview of what happened:

I have been seeing this girl on/off for the last year. We have been through some rough spots, and I wasn't ready for a full commited relationship with this person. Well at the beg. of the year I realized that I had more than just a casual feeling about this person. But things got rocky, and work pulled me away from actually starting anything more serious than what we had, which was a casual relationship...we'll get together when we can kind of deal. She wanted more. She has always wanted more. At the time...I just couldn't do it. I wasn't ready to open myself up to her.
Anyway she has been going through some problems lately(kicked out of apt, car broke, lost job). We have been on/off talking for the last 2 months. I finally told her how I felt, so we got together for a night last week. I thought everything was ok...

Well...she calls me on Sunday, saying that the person she was staying with was threatening her. So I offered her to stay at my place for a while. I told her I would pick her up, she agreed. Now I was doing this out of the kindness of my heart. I don't like to see my friends down in the gutter. So I went down to El cajon to pick her up. I did. She then gets a call from the guy she was staying with, basically telling her if she didn't want to get shot she would come back. She persuaded me to take her back, and it was then I had a weird feeling in my gut. Why was this guy wraped up this tight over her? Was there more to it than what she told me?

Well Monday I get a call from her. She explains that the guy is not just some guy, but her BF of a month that she is living with. I was like WTF?! Why the fuck did you lie to me? if I would have known this I wouldn't have offered and picked you up. Anyway, the BF proceeds to get on the phone and starts to run his mouth about how it was wrong to come down and pick her up yesterday, and how he has my lic. plate # and he knows where I live. I told him he didn't know where the fuck I lived. He comes back with "I have a hommie at the DMV and he ran your plates...I know where you live." Told his ass that he was full of shit cuz he doesn't even know where I live. Then he starts threatening me about coming up and shooting me because he was in prison for murder for 13 yrs. Like I give a shit?! First off...don't threatened me unless you are going to follow through. I don't take that shit. You threaten me like that your ass better be down here. I tell him to shut the fuck up and let me talk to her. He starts mouthing off again and I tell him to shut the fuck up. He gives the phone over to her and she basically says since I wasn't there for her when she needed me that she had no other choice. I told her that her life will never get any better than what it is now and that she will always be in misery. I ended with lose my number and have a good fucken life with your loser bf and hung up.

I was so pissed after the conversation that I came upstairs and punched the filing cabinet in my office for 10 min. Pissed me off. I have tried to help this person, to be there, to show this person that I actually care about her in a way I could. That's fine that she didn't want to be with me anymore and she had this new guy, BUT don't sit there and lie to me about the situation and put my life in harms way. I was always honest with this person, even though it was things she didn't want to hear. I was honest with my feelings towards her. Did I get that respect in return? No. All I got was drama. I'm getting too old for all this drama bullshit.

On a lighter note...since the other person is gone from my life, I think Michelle and I might work out this time around. She isn't as pushy for a real relationship, and seems to be working on the friendship part of our relationship that I told her we needed to do when we were dating back last summer. The whole drama crap yesterday gave me a different outlook on my relationship with Michelle. I need to stop spreading my feelings thin and focus on one person. This is something I haven't done in a very long time. The last 2 yrs it's been spread out. Easier to keep people at a distance that way. I still fight with that. It scares me to bring people into "my world." Usually, when I finally let them in, they tend to not care as much anymore and do things that hurt me(like what happened yesterday).

My inner demons...they are still there...although been kept at bay for a while. They still creep up into the open.

Desert this weekend. YAY!

You think you know someone, then they go and let you down.

I was foolish to open myself up to this person. All they did was dissapoint me.

I swear...I am just a wreck. A mess. YOu try to be there for someone that needs it and they fuck you over.

Fuck you and your gangbanger asshole bf.

Upon learning of some information about said girl in previous post, my life is going to get sticky in the next few months. Uggh...

Don't you hate it when you are on the phone with someone(say someone you are dating), and they say they will call you back in a few and never call you back?! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

It's been a day and a half now and she hasn't called back. I called her a few times yesterday, but all I got was the voicemail. Don't tell me you will call back in a bit and NEVER call back, and then when I try to call to see what's up...you don't return the call. I hate being ignored. :P Normally I wouldn't mind...but the fact that she said she would call back and never did, and now she won't answer her phone pisses me off.

I thought things were going to be ok between us after the other night.

On a better note...this weekend is the Long Beach Grand Prix. I'll be there all 3 days starting tomorrow. So much fun! I haven't been to the LBGP since 1998. This year though I got hooked up with all access passes; my dad and I are on Vasser's driver's list. Should be a great time. I'll have a camera on me so I will get some quality shots.

Anyway...the sun is out and I am sick. Blah.

Yes...it's been forever and a day since I have posted anything on LJ. Crazy. I used to post here all the time.
So now it is 2006. I started posting on LJ in 2001. 5 years of LJ fun. Should I thow a party? Should I drink till excess?
I think I will just have some lunch and ponder what my night will be.

So right now I am nursing an injured leg. Here is a summary of my last 6 months.

Aug 28, 2005 - Tore my ACL in my left knee while riding the mini at Elsinore.
Sept. 13, 2005, Had ACL surgery to repair my knee. This is by far one of the worst surgeries I have ever had. I don't ever want to go through that pain ever again. For the first 2 weeks, I was in constant pain. Not just pain, but HOORRIBLE, unbelievable pain.
Oct. 22, 2005. - had another surgery on my knee to clean out an infection that brewed up in my knee. I was put on a PICC line, which was a mainline that was inserted into my arm, so I can get amistered an antibiotic called Vencomiacin every 12 hrs. I had this PICC line that was stitched to my arm, mainlined to my heart injecting veco every 12 hrs from the bag that I had to carry around. I had to do this for a month.

Nov.22, 2005 - I got my PICC line out and I was done with Venco. I was sooo happy. I didn't have to carry around this bag anymore. Well...the next few days I got sick, and turned a bright red. Broke out everywhere, skin started burning and itching. I started to throw up, and have problems breathing. Turns out I had an allergic reaction to to Venco. The skin problem persisted till about the beg. of Feb 06(although not as bad as the initial reaction). That was scary!

Feb. 2006 - After doing therepy and being just about the 5 month mark after my initial surgery, I decided to get back on the bike and do some light riding. Well light riding turned into me racing the Adelanto GP.

Feb.27, 2006 - I raced the Adelanto GP and in the process re-injured my knee. I tore the Patella tendon( which is the lower tendon that secures the knee cap to the tibia) I completely severed it. So Back to the Dr. to get more work done.

March 2, 2006. - Had surgery again on my left knee to repair my Patella Tendon. Even though this is a major surgery, this one hasn't been as bad as the first one. I am able to walk on it after a few days. That wasn't possible with the ACL surgery. It is a month out and I am not walking with crutches. It is progressing well.

I am selling my bike, however. I was going to sell it anyway, but not till May. Right now it is up for sale on a couple sites, but I will promote it more in the coming weeks. Might as well give someone a great bike to ride instead of it sitting in my garage. I am not getting out of riding, but just taking it easy. I will be getting a bike after summer, an 06 CRF450. So watch out.

Anyway, not much else to report. No new girls. Work has been hectic, and trying to get my finances squared up so I can work on getting my new truck and bike.

Do you hear that? That's the sound of my life cruzin by....

Wow...has it been almost 2 months since my last entry here?  Geesh where have I been? 
Well just to recap, I have moved in with a friend of mine in Escondido.  I had to move out of my 1 bdrm apt.  It was costing me too much.  I am paying half what I was paying for rent before, but I am still broke.  How is that?  I am paying student loans now, so there is where the other half of the money is going.

I like it here.  The room is big and the Apt. is cool.  I just hate not having a place to myself.  To me, it feels like I have failed in a way because I coudln't keep my apt.  Thats alright though...I will get my own place again.  Hopefully by the end of the year I will have money to move back out on my own.

I've been seeing this girl for a while now.  She is cool.  I have a great time with her.  She is a little needy and wants to be with me all time time, but other than that she is fun.  I have gotten her to understand that she can't be that way.  The other night she told me she finally figured it out.  Thats good.  She has calmed down a bit, but she still wants to be bf/gf.  I don't like titles anymore.  Can't we just be "friends" and hang out?  We are not seeing anyone else, and we act like bf/gf, but with out the titles.  When titles get assigned, I think the attitudes and personalities change of the people, and what was fun and exciting tends to become stale and somewhat static.  I know people love titles and they want to be able to say "..oh my Bf this...my bf that" or "..my gf is this...my gf is that".  But why?  Why do I have to conform to this? 
I don't want to and I tell the girls I date my philosophy when it comes up.  They all tend to get offended, like I just told them some sexist joke.  Thats just my way of thinking now after all my drama in the past.  If you can't understand and accept it, well I guess it is time for you to move on.

I dunno...am I stupid in my outlook?

American Cities That Best Fit You:

70% Austin

70% San Diego

65% Denver

65% Honolulu

60% Portland

According to this...I am in the right place. The other place would be Austin, TX, but...I like San Diego better.

3 vicodin later...and I am flying high...

I think waaay too much.  The thoughts race through my head like race cars around the track, never stopping.  It consumes me.  I can't do anything else when this happens.  I haven't had an attack like this in a loooong time.  I just want it to stop...please let it stop.  All I think about is her.  She is back in my life, and all I want is to be with her every minute of the day.  I know that isn't reality but my mind still races.  I know we are suppose to take things slow and to not expect things to be like they were before, but it's hard for me.  I want it the way it was before she moved.  I want her staying over, waking up to her.  I don't want this nervous tension between us when there's a moment that we should kiss but we're playing it safe.  I guess thats what it is...playing it safe.  I don't want to play it safe anymore.  I want to kiss her.  I want to have a night with her.  I just don't know what she is thinking.

Fuck...I'll be ok with my little flings, but the ones I get wrapped up into...they get into my head and my mind just doesn't shut off.  When I don't hear from them I feel this emptiness, this feeling that they forgot who I am and that I exist.

This feeling of lonliness sucks sometimes...it consumes me and holds me prisoner...

I don't want to be a prisoner anymore...

Another Friday that I sit...
Another night alone..

looking at the walls
that have become my life...

I don't know how I feel
I don't know how I fit..

So I am back...let me say...since I haven't yet...welcome 2005. Yea...a little late, but better late than never. Anyway...I just wanted to say if you are on myspace...add me as a friend. My myspace name = docweedon.

Racing this weekend up at the AdelantoGP. should be fun! Leave Thurs. for the weekend. YEeHOOO!!

I'm tired
but not enough
to sleep
half awake
and still uninspired

what i needed
i missed
trying to settle
but off balance
fighting for a place
where I am together

the slope fell
downward from the top
I was there
to receive the anger

My joy had left
Face changed
heart changed
moved away

i don't fit anymore
too many reasons
i'm burning inside
for some kind of change

just like how i feel
i'm awake and here
when I sleep tonight
i'll be dreaming there.

So my mind wont turn off.  It keeps thinking about her.  Why hasn't she called me?!  We are suppose to hang out tomorrow but I havn't heard one peep from her. Is she avoiding me?  Is she really too busy?  Or is she out with her other boyfriends?
I just hate feeling like I am being ignored, which is what I feel.  After a great time together last wed., my good feeling gets tossed down to the ground with every hr that passes she doesn't call.  Honestly, I don't think she will call. 
I am just dissapointed.  I let myself get carried away with the fantasy that someone really wants to be with me again. Shame on me for thinking that.

Sometimes it sucks being me. I torture myself sometimes because I want what I cannot have. It's some sickness I have in my mind...I have to want what is phyically unobtainable to me. I have constantly done this in my life. Maybe because I was spoiled when I was a kid. I wanted...I got. The material possesions I have were purchased or aquired from this same mentality. I wanted....so I got them.
But there is one thing I want right now...more then anything in my life...but it is out of my grasp. And that kills me to no end. I don't know how to be ok with this unachievable goal. It follows me around like this storm cloud that never goes away.
Maybe someday that cloud will lift, and one day I will be able to see the stars.

On a side note...I have been in Indy since Wed. It sucks ass. AlthoughI have been to a couple good bars/stripclub.

you know...after reading my last post...I feel like such an idiot. My life is better than most, and I do have people that care for me. I think I just get into my dperession/lonley phases and go off the deep end. Damn...maybe some happy pills might work on me...then again...why do I want to give into the pills?!

San Jose I leave for on Wed. Damn work....Now that I am a graduate, they are sending me everywhere. San Jose this week, Vegas next week. Geesh.

Tomorrow I am meeting with my boss to discuss my current salary. I am gonna ask for $50g/yr. I am worth that and if he knows whats up, he will know he can't afford to lose me. I have improved the marketability of the company in the 4 years I have been there. I work damn hard, put in 10 hrs/day sometimes, and do what is told of me and more. Hell, if it comes down to it, I'll wear a business suit if thats what it will take. I have a good feeling about it though, so I am not too worried.

I gotta clean my apt. before Chas shows up later in the week. Oh this weekend is going to rock! My gurl in town makes for a happy Chris. :)